It was bound to happen eventually...

i'm good today. really. i just have to preface this post from last night. haha :) i'm sure i'll be frustrated again when i get back to the house, but it's ok. today was awesome. we had coffee with Tep today and it was rad. we sat in the coffee shop for 3 HOURS! haha. sweet times. school starts tomorrow!!!! YEEE! :) i'm not sure what that means...but. yeah. :)

Madrid, Spain

La Casa de Santibanez

El 30 de Enero, 2008

11:32pm (4:32pm Denton time)

ok so I think I just experienced my emotional semi-breakdown. I’m not sure it’ll be the last. Or maybe that wasn’t even it? I don’t know. I think I’m just really hating being here alone. I mean, I’m not really here alone. Cait and Katie are here, but at the same time… most of the people who I love the most, and who love me the most, are nowhere near me. I can try to call (when it works?) or email or instant message (when I can find internet connection)…but that is so random and far between… and when I do, the time difference is so off that it’s seriously inconvenient for you guys…

I miss Aaron a lot. I just called him, but he was in class. Sorry about that, again, by the way, Aaron…

As soon as I heard his voice I started crying for some reason. I was trying not to let him know that I was (how did I do? Haha) because I knew he was in the middle of class and he needed to go. But as soon as we hung up, I started bawling. I can’t really stop now. There’s no way I’d be able to get through a conversation with my mom or dad… jeez. I’m ridiculous.

I’m just so sick of being here in this house, I think. It’s so harsh. There’s almost no loving interaction. Or at least of what I see. She’s always yelling or harping on the kids, and she never even really talks to me unless its to tell me how to do/clean/eat something… other than that I’m just like a machine that goes in and teaches her kids. And even then, it’s my fault if they don’t do well, even if it’s because her little boy is burnt out by the time he gets to me so he can’t/won’t focus on anything I try to tell/teach him…

Maybe that’s why God has me here, but at the same time, I think I’m just so used to living in such a love-filled environment (my home, so many awesome friends around, my church, my family, etc.) that this is absolutely killing me. I’m alone most of the day and night, and the time that I am interacting with other people, it is so high-stressed and irritating that I can’t wait to be alone again.

I just really miss Aaron.

I just wish that he was here.

I’m thinking that I’ll probably not stay for the full three months. The initial reason is money. It’s costing a lot more just to live than I expected. But this doesn’t setting isn’t really encouraging me to search high and low for ways to stay, you know?

Now, don’t get me wrong. I love being in spain. I seriously love it. I just don’t know how much longer I can be in this house and away from the people that I love. I feel like a kid counting the days until I move away to college… only I graduated from that a year ago…

I don’t know. Please keep me in your prayers. I just need to get over myself… I’m sorry for the rant. When school starts, maybe it will distract me more. I’ll have more to do with my time. Sorry, again.

Goodnight (well, for me. Happy Dinnertime for you)…

Love,denisie